


Filled with thoughts of you

by ChetRoi



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Leaving Home, Lots of Crying, Lots of references to Chikage's solo song, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Reminiscing, new life, open ended ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:26:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24232060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChetRoi/pseuds/ChetRoi
Summary: Chikage had to leave Mankai and start a new identity, a new life. He decided to leave at night, when everyone was asleep, or at least when he thought everyone was asleep. One person was not.
Relationships: Chigasaki Itaru/Utsuki Chikage
Comments: 6
Kudos: 60





	Filled with thoughts of you

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the Chikaita server, angst...just a small fic to get back into the habit of writing angst. I HAD TO UPDATE IT CAUSE I FORGOT TO FUCKING GIVE IT A RATING...

It was dark. Cold. The usually bright moon was blocked by thick dark clouds. _“Maybe it’ll rain.”_ Chikage muses, basking in the cold air. It was the perfect weather for such a dark day. Chikage stares at the small silver suitcase next to him, gleaming in the moonlight as if it was a beacon. It was a beacon in many ways and while he usually was neutral about it, it filled him with disgust and rage and… unbelievable sadness this time. For the second time in his life, he would lose his precious family, the people who cared for him and treated him like one of their own despite everything he did. The people who he would do anything to protect… including leaving without a trace. At least this time, he didn’t lose them forever like his previous family, he could watch them from afar. However, he couldn’t interact with them, he couldn’t act on a stage with them again, he couldn’t laugh with them or eat with them or… Chikage looked up at the covered moon, tears quietly making his ways down his cheek. He quickly dried them, but they just wouldn’t stop falling. He chuckles quietly, hiccups scattered through it, pathetic wasn’t it? His true feelings were hidden in the shadows of the moon, like the night was. 

Chikage never ever expected to even grow this close to Mankai, he just planned to get revenge on Decem-Hisoka, and leave. Yet, seeing the passion of everyone, seeing the mistakes of his ways, it made him remove his red-colored glasses and see the world differently. All of the experiences that he had with Mankai ran through his head as he turned around to say goodbye to the dorms one last time. With Chikage just drifting through this sorrowful world, moving from place to place, identity to identity, all that floats up were thoughts of before. Now, the tears were uncontrollable as Chikage had to cover his mouth to silence the sobs wrecking through his chest. 

“Senpai, where are you going?” Chikage freezes, thanking whoever’s up there that Itaru didn’t just walk in on him crying. He took many deep breaths in and out before answering Itaru. 

“I’m going on a business trip.” Chikage’s voice slightly wavers and he curses silently. Rather than fooling Itaru, he was fooling himself. This was just a business trip, nothing more, nothing less. Yeah… just a business trip.

“...But you don’t even intend to come back.” Itaru’s voice was quiet, desolate. Chikage winced. 

“What are you doing up Chigasaki? Shouldn’t you be fast asleep by now?” Chikage quietly adds in his head _“I made sure you were asleep so I didn’t end up hurting you.”_

“SP’s full and I have an event.” Chikage knew that Itaru was lying because he had accounted for every game that Itaru played. Itaru noticed Chikage’s cocked eyebrow and sighed. “Okay, it’s because my bad end flags were raised. You’re my boyfriend, you can’t just expect me to not notice you acting weird.” Chikage frowned. “Listen Senpai, get that look off of your face. Even though the others may not notice it, I do. You not making snarky comments at me or anyone? You telling me you love me in public? There’s definitely something wrong when those things happen. Now, tell me why you decided to leave everyone without saying anything like a coward, despite you promising that you won’t.” Itaru should’ve known not to take Chikage’s promises seriously. Chikage couldn’t guarantee anything like that. 

“Listen Chigasaki, it’s for the best.” Itaru snorted dryly. 

“I wasn’t talking about your reason for leaving, that’s none of my business. I was talking about you leaving like a fucking coward. I thought you were better than that.” 

Chikage looked to the side. Well, it was true that he should’ve just made up some excuse or come clean about him leaving, he just didn’t want to hurt anyone. He didn’t want to see their hurt faces or their tears, because to be quite honest, if he saw that, he would get even more doubts about leaving. “That decision was also for the best.” Itaru raised an eyebrow before letting out a rough bark of laughter. 

“That decision is only the best for you. You just fucking disappearing to fuck knows where without telling anyone will hurt everyone else more than you just telling them straight up. They’ll be sad at first, but they’ll understand. However, you just ditching us?” Itaru looked to the side. “No one could understand that, not even me.” Itaru paused for a while. “Especially not me.” 

Chikage felt like someone punched him right in the stomach. “I…” Chikage turned to the other side to wipe the tears that he could feel forming. “I just didn’t want to see everyone sad...to see you sad.” 

“Chikage-san…” Chikage couldn’t bear to hear Itaru’s voice like that. “It’s a lot better to tell us than to just disappear.” Itaru looked at his feet. “I wouldn’t know what I would’ve done if you just disappeared without telling anyone… I think I would’ve hated you at first for doing it, then I would’ve hated myself because I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t fucking plan on doing anything about it until I saw you literally leaving in the middle of the night. I hate myself.” Tears fell at Itaru’s feet and Chikage felt his heart shatter even more than it had. Save him from this fate. Please.

“Itaru, I-” Even more tears fell from Itaru’s face as Itaru wiped it away. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. “It's really not your fault. You couldn’t have done anything to convince me otherwise. Please, don’t hate yourself.”

Itaru’s tears fell even harder. “Even if I couldn’t convince you, I didn’t even try to in the first place. I would’ve just watched you leave without a word, without even saying goodbye. Without a kiss or a hug or...” Itaru hiccuped, his face wet and contorted. 

“I…” No words felt right on Chikage’s tongue. He couldn’t say anything. He didn’t deserve to say anything. Chikage’s tears now flowed freely, joining Itaru’s on the cold ground. 

“I watched you act weirdly. I saw you pack. I saw all these warning signs, yet I didn’t say shit. I was hoping that it was a short trip. But…this isn’t a short trip, is it?” Chikage’s silence was enough to answer Itaru. “Well, I’m glad that I at least got to see you one last time, but imagine if I didn’t notice...” Itaru tried to wipe away his tears, but they just wouldn’t stop falling. Chikage didn’t say anything, but he pulled Itaru into a hug. Save him from this melancholy, save them from this melancholy. Itaru buried his face into Chikage’s chest. “Will we ever see you again? Will I ever see you again?”

“Yes, you will, you guys all will.” Chikage whispered, brushing Itaru’s wet bangs out of his face. Itaru didn’t respond for a long while as Chikage felt his shirt getting soaked. Chikage buried his face in Itaru’s hair, smelling the shampoo that he usually used. His tears soaked Itaru’s hair. His right hand held thoughtless words, while his left hand held hollow lies. Itaru really shouldn’t have trusted him so easily.

“Chikage-san, I know that you’re lying, but...for my sake, I’ll take it as the truth.” Itaru separated himself from the hug first. “Just please, stay safe and if you could, come back to us to watch our plays or at least leave something to let us know that you’re still alive.” 

“I’ll try.” Chikage focused on a shrub behind Itaru. He couldn’t stand to look at Itaru. He couldn’t stand himself. 

“Hey.” Itaru snapped his fingers and Chikage couldn’t help but focus on him. “You better not forget about us, okay?” Itaru hastily pulled something from out of his pocket and shoved it into Chikage’s hand. “Have this to remember me by.” Chikage looked down to see a KniRoun locket, which looked old. He opened it and saw two pictures, one of them on their first date and one of them on their 2 year anniversary. “Don’t forget me, about us. Please.” 

Chikage curled his hand around the locket, before he pocketed it. “How could I? I couldn’t possibly forget about my precious family or my only love.” Itaru let out a small smile. 

“Good.” The two stared at each other, neither of them wanting to make the first move. Itaru really was beautiful. His beautiful pink eyes seemed to glow, even when there were tears in them. His hair flew in the wind, like a sea of gold in the ink black sky. He seemed to be deep in thought, pursing his lips and Chikage could see him mouthing something. Suddenly, Itaru cleared his throat. “Hey Chikage-san.” Itaru got on one knee and got out a box from his pocket. “If you return, no. When you return, will you do me the honor of marrying me?” Chikage froze, before shakily nodding his head. Itaru slid the ring on Chikage’s finger. Fuck. Why was Itaru making it so hard to leave?

“I don’t know when I’ll be back though.” Chikage murmured, staring at the ring on his finger. Itaru shrugged.

“It’s fine, I can wait. I will wait for as long as it takes you to come back.” Itaru smiled sardonically. “After all, I am an otaku, I’m loyal to my waifus and husbandos, and you’re my main husbando.” 

Chikage shook his head fondly, his tears stopping for a brief. “What an uncute junior to say that after a proposal.”  
  


“What an unromantic senpai to not realize that’s the highest honor I could give a person.” Chikage smiled because for a moment, everything was back to normal. However, it all came crashing down when Itaru pulled Chikage into a kiss. It was desperate, needy, filled with an emotion that washed over Chikage. “Senpai, you should go before everyone wakes up.” Chikage mutely nodded. “Don’t be too sad, just know that we’ll be watching over you wherever you are.” Itaru grabbed Chikage’s hands into his. “You’ll be fine. You’re a hack character after all. As for us, we’ll be fine too.” 

“Alright.” Chikage reluctantly pulled away from Itaru’s hand. “You should get back to your room. Please.” Itaru looked at Chikage, before rushing over to kiss him one last time. 

“I hope I can see Mankai, see _you_ again Itaru.” 

“You better come back Chikage-san.” Itaru turned to leave and Chikage watched him until he was but a shadow in the past. Chikage looked at the ring on his finger. Now he had two rings from two equally important people to him. He stared at the moon and sighed. In his new life, he wasn’t Chikage Utsuki. He was someone else, so he had to bury this part of him. Everything that was the truth, he would leave with these shadows of the past. The shadows of August, of Itaru. Ah fuck, the tears started again. Save from the loneliness that he felt when Itaru left. Save him from the melancholy he felt while leaving. Save him from the world. Save him from this fate. 

With no one but the moon as a witness, Chikage cried harder than he ever had before. All the past plays, all the events, all the laughter and smiles and tears… it came flooding back. His true heart was hidden in the shadows of the moon, in the depths of the night. Still, his number one goal was to protect his family, and he must do whatever it takes for that to happen. He looked at his ring, his tears making everything blurry. His tears were falling in secret, yet he was sure that it wasn’t a secret to someone else. God, all he seeked for was him. Chikage shook his head. How pathetic was it that he was just all alone under the moon, crying to himself about thoughts of him. 

Itaru was worth coming back for. Mankai was worth coming back for. All those good moments were just that: good. Think of them of good memories, and not as bad ones. They’re there to cheer Chikage up, to make sure that he didn’t just end up crying himself to the point that he’s unable to leave. Cutting in right out of the blueness that he felt were these gentle memories that he’ll keep with him forever. 

“Bye Mankai. Bye Hisoka. Bye Itaru. Bye Chikage Utsuki.” With that, the man once known as Chikage Utsuki, took one final look at the dorms, took his suitcase and left. He hopes that Itaru knew that he was filled with thoughts of him. The clouds had cleared, the moon illuminating the entire sky, silently watching.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry Lico, but i didn't know how to make it end happily, so have an open-ended ending. It can be whatever it is you want. Also haha follow me @gachakitakorejk for more ckit shit


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